alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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