I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
