I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
