I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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