First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
