Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
