Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
sarcasm needs its own font
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize