The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
