if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
