I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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