My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
