i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
