I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
