Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
