you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
