the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
