Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
