i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize