overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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