Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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