Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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