So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Is it penis luge time yet?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We are all done wearing pants today
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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