I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize