ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
