Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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