Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
bring money and cleavage
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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