Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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