either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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