In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
