Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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