When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
