So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
