I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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