i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
