Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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