I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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