That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
