I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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