the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
