I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
