Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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