im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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