I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
