Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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