our cab driver is having phone sex.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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