those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
