Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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