You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
