Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
