Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I smell like Dick and happiness
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
