He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
vagina is talking i cant
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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