oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
They are going to name an STD after you.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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