my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
