Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
