her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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