I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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