About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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