I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
