i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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