3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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