Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
