I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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