I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
