he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
