he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Is it because I queefed?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
