just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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