You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize